torn&frayed

May the odds be ever in your favour

2012-01-15T01:30:00.003+08:00

Pushing me down to you

2012-01-09T00:24:00.002+08:00

Hi, I really should be asleep right now since there's school tomorrow but I thought I'd just make a quick update hehe.

So I did my homework. Which is a good achievement and a small step to ace o levels. Kudos to me for that. Haha I guess that's it though. These few days all I did was study. I'm gonna have to relearn sec 1-3 topics on all subjects so that's gonna be hard work but I'm not throwing in the towel just yet. I just feel like I have to prove to a lot of people that I'm not some lazy underachiever. Being in the first malay class has changed a few people's impressions of me but that's just malay, lol.

Math is like a major suck-fest for me. I know I can do this, I can ace o levels. I just need to further convince myself right now that my studies have to be my main priority.

Ugh I really need to stop thinking so lowly of myself.
I. Can. Do. Anything.

Targets:

English: A1-A2.
Math: B4-C5.
Combined science: A2-B3.
Combined Humanities: A1-A2.
Malay: A1-A2.
Art: A1-A2.

Aiming for like 10 to 15 points I guess.
Hmm.

Dear daddy

2012-01-02T22:11:00.005+08:00

Happy New Year, I'm sorry you're not here.
I miss you so much.
I can't grow up without you.
I'm sorry for disappointing you.
I always think of you.
I love you so much.
Please I just hope you know how much I love you and I miss you no one can ever replace you I'm sorry I'm never happy and I will make you proud one day I promise.

All I want in 2012 is for God to forgive me.

Give me all your poison

2012-01-01T20:22:00.007+08:00

Hello 2012, I will try to make the best out of you.
And not feel like killing myself lol.

Screw
this
bullshit
life
I
lead.

Oh, happy new year.

When I was 17
I had wrists like steel
And I felt complete

And now my body fades
Behind a brass charade
And I’m obsolete

But if the chance remained
To see those better days
I’d cut the cannons down

Exasperating

2011-12-30T03:06:00.006+08:00

I don't know how long I can bear with this. This anger and frustration. I have been trying to have fun, if anyone's noticed. The A&F models, shopping, the recent birthday barbeque. For some reason, still, nothing can really distract me from the pain that's been haunting me for so long. It has actually never occurred to me that I could be so emotionally fragile despite my supposed "tough exterior". I'm never going to be good enough for anything, and giving up isn't even an option. I've been so phlegmatic, my heart and mind are just really tired. Everyone's just waiting for me to crack, that's when they'll show that they "care". For the meantime, though, all I can be is numb.

But I think I'll be okay.

A thousand years

2011-12-29T21:36:00.004+08:00

Happy (belated) 18th Birthday Anand!!

Reached the point where I've realized I'm too ugly to care anymore

She doesn't deserve you, you deserve much better. Maybe you're right, all you miss is what you had. You're a great guy and I know it, I hope you realize that for yourself. I don't really know you but whatever you choose I just want you to be happy, J. I kinda hate myself for this. But I just can't help it.. I am falling for you.

Left with nothing. Nothing to lose

2011-12-27T02:46:00.006+08:00

I like the way you held me. I like how you made me feel.

But I don't like that I'm falling for you.

CHRSTMS

2011-12-25T19:53:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas!
:-)

Friday:

Hehe okay so I quit my part-time job and didn't know what to do with the money. Since I told myself that in 2012 I will refrain from shopping, I should just shop for the last time in 2011. Hahaha, actually it's the only time I'd be shopping in 2011.

So Wulan and I went to orchard and somerset and at the start we were totally not in the mood, like it was really gloomy 'cause the sun wasn't out and it's the monsoon season so it was pretty wet. But when we arrived at the forever 21, lol the shopping mood set in. It was so fun. Shopping is fun! Haha. Usually I wouldn't be one of those girls willing to grab a bunch of stuff and try them on in the fitting room but this time it was different :P Idk I just love shopping although I don't do it much.

Then after that we headed over to H&M and once again I grabbed a few stuff, tried them on, loved them and bought them. Hahaha. Oh wait before we went to H&M we entered River Island at Ion and spotted this super cute black top which had a pink outline of like a cartoon-y cat on it and it was sooo cute, Wulan and I got one each! I'll take a picture when I wear the top, lol.

H&M is really near to cineleisure and Wulan got hungry so we had dinner at Pastamania and damn it was honestly the first time I actually enjoyed the food there. For some reason that day the portion of the food wasn't as small as it usually would be, and I was so happy that I got a pasta + garlic bread + drink for like only $10.80. Idk I was just so satisfied with myself.

Ok so this is kinda funny, like while we were eating and talking this guy came in with his girlfriend (I think) and I was facing him and Wulan's back was facing him so only I could see him. So anyway in my head I was like "wtf this guy looks so familiar. omg it's the crowd control dude from abercrombie & fitch" so I suddenly burst out into a maintainable laughter while talking to Wulan but she thought I'd gone nuts so she asked me what was so funny but I wouldn't reply and she kept catching me glancing over to the dude she looked back and was like "OMG it's him! It's the crowd control guy". But to be honest I really wasn't sure if it was him or not so I was just laughing and acting like really awkwardly because the last time we met him he told us to just say hi if we see him around and I just really didn't know what to do because we already wanted to leave the restaurant. So after like 10 minutes of acting weirdly like laughing and shit, Wulan was like, "let's just leave, if he says hi to us then it must be him". So I got up and walked past their table and he was like "hey it's you guys" and I just went "oh so it is you!" like a fucking retard so yeah we said hi and left because it was cramped + it was a little awkward, lol.

Okay so after that we headed on over to abercrombie & fitch because I wanted to get a bracelet and Wulan wanted to get her pullover today and very luckily we managed to enter just before it was gonna close. But, unfortunately for me the bracelet I wanted was out of stock so I was like really sad 'cause I really wanted it but.. whatever. Wulan got a navy blue pullover with a hood and it looked really good on her. I wanted to get my red zip-up hoodie but I decided not to yet. I'll probably get mine a few days before school starts, hehe :-)

Oh and by the way at A&F, while Wulan was paying for her pullover, I was totally checking out the cashier because he was good looking as fuck I mean he could totally be a model although he was pretty short but he was so cute like totally I couldn't stop smiling.

Saturday:

Mom saw the pairs of jeans that I got and wanted them for herself so we went to Ion's Forever 21 and she got 3 pairs of jeans and 2 tops and I actually didn't want to spend that day but I saw a few stuff that I just had to buy. :3

After shopping we went to have dinner at Ayam Penyet Ria and bloody hell the food there is just delicious. I was in love, it was that good. The sambal ot chilli or whatever was fucking spicy though so that almost killed me. After that we rode the MRT back to pasir ris and sat at McDonald's ate fries, mom had hot chocolate and I had a mango smoothie.
It was a goooood day.
:-D

So this is like a list of the stuff I bought from
Forever 21, H&M, River Island and Rubi:

Grey cropped knitted sweater with aztec prints
Rust coloured ruffled dress that shimmered gold.
Teal slouchy cardigan (which I absolutely love)
Pink flannel shirt (contemplated on buying it but I did anyway)
Cream oversized knitted long-sleeved sweater (love love love this piece)
2 pairs of F21 ankle-length skinny jeans, 1 blue, 1 grey.
Pink jumper/sweated with kangaroo pockets.
H&M dark denim skinny jeans
River Island kitty top
Ankle-high strapped gladiators
Sunglasses case (because I really needed one)

The next time I'm going shopping, I'll definitely get more accessories and shoes. Especially shoes because right now I know it's so pathetic but I only have like 4 pairs of shoes.

Bye xo

Look before you fall

2011-12-21T13:10:00.004+08:00

Hasn't it occurred to anyone that I'm only 15? I can live without a boyfriend, that's why I've never had one. All the bad stuff I say about myself being too repugnant to have a boyfriend, those were my insecurities speaking. I do get confused sometimes about being single and I wonder whether I like it or not because it does get lonely and I go on tumblr or facebook and see all these couples and think, "I want that". But at the end of the day, I'm content with my lonesomeness. I enjoy being alone. It's the loneliness that strikes in the middle of the night sometimes that just gets to me. Sometimes I want to wake up with the arms of someone I love around me. And go to sleep on his chest, hearing his heart beating, him breathing. To know someone's there, and someone loves you. Someone you can call yours and you are his.

But I am only 15. I have had my heart broken. That sinking feeling in my chest. That moment when my stomach drops and words are choked in the tightness of my throat. The huge decision whether to say "I love you". To say it and regret it. To have had my hopes too high. To have a kiss I wish I could've taken back. To wonder if love is just a waste of time.

I am only 15. I am young and I make mistakes. But that doesn't make me too young to love.

Abercrombie & Fitch

2011-12-13T00:56:00.004+08:00

Today was so great.
Abtastic lol *ba dum tss*

Abercrombie & Fitch male models.
It can't get any better than this.

Happy Birthday Nicholas

;*

Bblphg

2011-12-02T17:23:00.002+08:00

I love books. Books are like my life. A book would be the perfect gift for me. I just love books.

Day 2: Metalmouth

2011-11-30T13:08:00.005+08:00

Hi.

They're pink and green alternatively. I really like them. They're not as ugly as I thought they would look. And they only hurt when I bite or eat, so I guess it's all good! One last annoying photo of me:

Ok bye.

/edit

Prom 2011 photos .
Didn't take much photos, so what you see is what you get :P

Can't explain how lucky I was to be able to take a picture with the cutest guy in Coral. ^
Sad he's graduated :(

My new nerf gun!!! Thanks to Si Hui and Ruban heheh 8)

Gonna miss my favourite girls :'(

Soooooooo yup. Prom 2011 was a blast although it wasn't my prom, ahah. Gonna miss my friends.

Day 1: Sucky Separators

2011-11-20T00:12:00.005+08:00

Blue things = separators.
And lol at my little crooked tooth.

So I went for my second dental appointment today and my orthodontist, Dr Audrey, told me that I had a choice of either extracting my 4 teeth now and put on braces later, or put braces now and extract later (optionally, but my overbite will only be slightly fixed). I didn't know what to choose, I couldn't think, so I made my mom choose for me and she chose for me to just get my braces and we'll see if my teeth are stubborn enough to need extraction later on.

Anyway, since my mom chose that, Dr Audrey put on separators in between my molars. And fuck me, they hurt like fuck :-) Okay they don't really hurt as much as spraining an ankle but god they are so uncomfortable I can't even chew properly it's just retarded. And I'll have to like bear with them through OBS which completely sucks. I'll have them for just a week though. I'll get them out on November 28th, which is also the day that I will actually get my braces.

To be honest I am scared, almost terrified because the idea of having to go on a liquid diet for a week just doesn't appeal to me, lol. But yeah, anything to achieve a proper set of choppers. Anyway, I'm not sure what colour bands I want. I'm thinking of pink and green alternatively on every tooth or upper green lower pink. We'll see how that goes. :P

I should take videos of my reactions to the pain, hahahaha.

For now, I just want to get OBS over and done with!

Mockingjay

2011-11-18T22:00:00.003+08:00

There needs to be a sort of "book blog" where people review books and stuff like that so I actually know what I would be interested in reading rather than wasting money on a book I end up not enjoying. Like Dreaming of Amelia, it seemed like it were a good book but wtf not even halfway into the story and I already got bored. I'm gonna get The Hunger Games trilogy box set, super excited to start reading it.

I really want these:

The Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins
The Truth About Forever - Sarah Dessen
Along For The Ride - Sarah Dessen
What Happened To Goodbye - Sarah Dessen
Pretty Face - Mary Hogan
The Sky Is Everywhere - Jandy Nelson
The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
Imaginary Girls - Nova Ren Suma

Dental appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck~

/edit

I found a book review blog :)

Fuck what you think

2011-11-16T00:14:00.006+08:00

I really don't want to miss you because it'll just fuck me up like it always does. I'm still in the process of moving on. I don't get that rush from seeing you anymore. You're just a guy in my life now.

Er life is.. meh. It definitely has been worse but it has also been better. Work is getting annoying because of the fucking ah bengs that started working. They're fucking illiterate assholes whose lack of intelligence makes me cringe. I haven't started studying though which is a bad thing, obviously. I'll start after OBS since after that I'll have nothing else to worry about other than work.

God I am exhausted. I am officially drained of my youth. Ok that was exaggerating. But really though I don't remember the last time I wasn't tired.

I still want to be Cassie Ainsworth. And Demi Lovato with an eating disorder. Anorexic Nicole Richie. Skinny Hilary Duff. I haven't got time to eat proper meals nowadays. I know it's bad but somehow I'm content with the idea of being too busy to eat. What will make me happy right now? Prominent collarbones, protruding hipbones and thighs that don't touch. I want to stand with my feet together and feel the air flow through my legs. I'm trying to exercise more and eat less. I hope I can reach 100 before my 16th birthday. I don't care if people say "guys don't like skinny girls". I'm not doing this for boys. I'm doing this to make me feel better about myself.
When people tell me I'm "beautiful" I don't believe it. The word itself is overrated. Nobody's really beautiful. We're all ugly.

Goodnight xoxo

Nobody's Home

2011-11-10T15:04:00.002+08:00

I don't want to act like I know who I am anymore.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

Fangirl-ing

2011-11-09T00:59:00.005+08:00

Meet my latest obsession:

INFINITE.

A fucking kpop boyband. On Saturday I went to my cousin's place and found her surfing her giant flat screen tv which could access youtube and she was viewing some kpop music video and I was like
"Dude wtf is this shit?"
I had nothing to do so I just watched the videos with her and wtf they're actually fucking daebak. HAHA awesome, I mean. But yeah they're really fucking good ok and I kept watching that video over and over again because oh my god Myungsoo aka L is just unf. He's the one in the hat. I like all of them though but L's just so ASDHFKSLDHG gorgeous.

So let's give ourselves a moment to appreciate how beautiful this man is.

L♥

He's only 19 so I'm sure it's normal to be crushing on him. Unlike when I was 10 and I was crushing on Gerard Way who was 30 at the time I was crushing on him lol. Fuck. L is like a Korean Zayn Malik for me. What's with all the beautiful men appearing in the media?!

I got my heart right here

2011-11-03T01:29:00.004+08:00

I thought change would be easy but it totally isn't, it is so frustrating. I've to push myself to actually study or go for class or tuition of even work. I changed from being the OCD girl to the lazy fucker. Now I just want to be stable and secure. I kind of hate myself for being so lazy. I mean like my mom worked in an office from 8AM-10PM before and I find 3 hours in an office as a telemarketer to be tedious work. What the fuck is wrong with me? I need to be more disciplined, organized and think more positively. The 3 hours at work today flew by pretty quick. I hope it'll be this way till I stop.

Right now my studies are my main priority. To be honest I don't even know why I'm working. I'm not saving up for anything. Well I guess it's good to have money, hah. I'll be really busy considering the fact I'm gonna have to juggle studies, work and training. God I hate being busy. The only time I'll actually have a break is after o's which although seems like it isn't gonna come soon but it will. Ugh hopefully.

I hate being tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. My body can rest but my mind is forever active.

Sleep doesn't work.

I'm so tired.

Johnny Cash

2011-11-03T00:40:00.005+08:00

I'm working part-time as a real estate telemarketer, hahahaha.

I take it as a challenge though because I'm a fucking lazy bitch who isn't much of a people-person soo.. I need to get over my lousy attitude. It's kinda ironic how I'm so busy yet reeeeally lazy. First 2 weeks of holidays and I'm already so booked like the only day where I'm like fully free is next Monday. On the days I'm working I arrive home at 11:30PM because it's all the way at Toa Payoh. It will all be worth it, I'm trying to promise myself. So my holidays basically consist of

Studying (Mon-Fri)
Work (Mon-Fri)
Tuition (Sat-Sun)
Floorball Training (Wed & Fri)
One-day events (CIP slipper race - 13 Nov, Prom - 24 Nov)
OBS camp (21-26 Nov)

Unconfirmed on whether I'm still helping out with prom or not cos it clashes with OBS. I don't mind if I won't be helping out though, it gives me lesser things to think about.

Hopefully in December the only things occupying my time is work and studying. :(

So much for "holidays"!

I got my scars right here

2011-11-01T22:17:00.005+08:00

I left my girl back home
I don't love her no more
And she'll never fucking know that
These fucking eyes that I'm staring at
Let me see that ass
Look at all this cash
And I've emptied all my cards too
Now I'm fucking leaning on that

Bring your love
Baby I can bring my shame
Bring the drugs
Baby I can bring my pain
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here
Bring the cups, baby I can bring the drink
Bring your body, baby I can bring you fame
That's my motherfucking word to you
Just let me motherfucking love you

Listen ma
I'll give you all I've got
Give me all of this
I need confidence in myself
Listen ma I'll give you all of me
Give me all of it
I need all of it to myself
So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Even though you don't love me
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you what I need
Even though you don't love me

Let me see you dance
I love to watch you dance
Take you down another level
Get you dancing with the devil
Take a shot of this
But I'm warning you
I'm on that shit that you can't smell baby
So put down your perfume

Confession:
The only reason I have long hair is because as much as I want short hair, I feel pretty with long hair. Basically, I try too hard to feel accepted.

Chip Skylark

2011-10-21T19:16:00.004+08:00

I'm a really paranoid person. I'd rather prevent than find a solution. And right now I'm paranoid about my teeth. I can't close my mouth without my upper front teeth biting on my lower lip and it causes slight cuts that sting when I smile. I did a little research and it said that my lower teeth will wear out if I don't fix my overbite/overjet. So basically I don't want to wait until my lower jaw wears out and I'd have to go for surgery. And as I'm typing now my upper gums hurt and it just sucks. My overbite is 5mm by the way, and the normal or average overbite is 2-3mm. I'm ranting a lot about it because it's really bothering me! Sometimes it would give me no appetite to eat. So I'm hoping I'll get braces, other than that I can probably fix a crooked tooth on my lower teeth. Thank God for not giving me teeth crooked all over.

I like your smile.

2011-10-20T18:52:00.007+08:00

Okay so I think it's pretty obvious I'm insecure about the way I look.. e.g. my weight. But there's something that I've been insecure about my whole life. I've learnt to embrace it because it is what makes me special but recently I've realized that it's been causing me pain.

I stopped drinking from a baby's bottle when I was 7, and I developed a bad habit of biting my lower lip, which sort of pushes my lower jaw backwards. I think my overbite is worsening because occasionally my lower jaw would ache, I would get cuts on my lower lip JUST from closing my mouth since the protruding teeth have sharp edges and cause me inadvertently bite my lower lip, and my upper front teeth would just hurt. I only started embracing my overbite when I was 13 turning 14? I started smiling with my teeth more... I used to smile with my mouth closed because I was too embarrassed. I didn't tell anyone about it, not even my mom.

I wanted to know if I could fix it so I went on google and found out that they have braces for people with an overbite. I just couldn't stand it okay I don't wanna live with aching jaws and a worsening overbite for the rest of my life. Anyway I confessed to my mom about the pain I've been experiencing and she said she'll find out more about it. I used to tell her I wanted braces but she said stuff like "But your teeth are straight already, don't waste money." She thought I wanted them to benefit me aesthetically, but in actuality I just wanted the stop the aching and the ulcers. I tried to tolerate it but it seems as if it's getting worse. Honestly I'd keep my overbite only if the aching would just stop because it makes me feel..... different? Although it's pretty common.

I don't know how to explain the pain, it's like chewing gum non-stop for the WHOLE DAY. And I experience it without chewing the gum imagine if I actually chewed the damn gum it would be like double the pain. And I love chewing gum. :( Usually if I bought gum I'd finish it real fast but recently I bought gum during the september holidays when I went to KL and I haven't finished them TILL NOW. Because of my stupid overbite.

So yeah I just told her about it and she's gonna try to find out about it. It's so unfair, I'm the only one in my family with this darn overbite. :(

Invisible

2011-10-19T21:00:00.003+08:00

Every day I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible

Here inside
My quiet head
You cannot hear
My cries for help
I try everything
To make them see me
But everyone
Sees what I can't be

ZM

2011-10-18T22:35:00.004+08:00

Today downright sucked hardcore. I failed math and combined humanities, I lost my calculator, my thumb bled internally (if that makes sense), a blister on my ankle burst and it hurts like a bitch, and I'm walking around like I just got fucked hard in the ass. The last point is caused by something I can't explain. But no I did not literally get fucked hard in the ass. Ahhh I don't feel like going to school tomorrow but I guess I have to. :(

Went online to upload photos from ice-skating outing but I can't find my camera, sheesh.

Hero/Heroine

2011-10-16T02:45:00.004+08:00

To be honest, I'm not sure about my feelings for you right now. I don't think I even know who you are anymore. You changed. Change is inevitable. But when our fingers intertwine, nothing matters. If you held me like you did before, I wouldn't care. Where are you to make me feel that way again? Don't you care?

Wish you were here

2011-10-15T23:49:00.003+08:00

Pretending everything is okay despite the void in my heart

Uhh

2011-10-15T16:08:00.003+08:00

Hi.

Ponte

2011-10-14T23:33:00.005+08:00

Okay so in my previous post I mentioned that I needed a dress. It's for this year's prom, I'm helping out again and I want a plain black dress to wear on that day. I wanted something simple, and comfortable, a fit and flare. Nothing clingy or bodycon. (not a fan of bodycon tbh) Then I thought maybe I should buy one online so I went to Topshop's website because they have really nice dresses but at almost totally unreasonable prices but I figured it'll probably be worth it. I wanted a fit and flare dress, with a fitted bodice and a flared skirt.

And I found this:

Wasn't really fancying this because it looks like a basic tank dress. It's 100% cotton but £20 so I was like wtf bro I can ask my nenek to sew this sia. It really wouldn't have been worth it, man. Don't want scoop-neck but I felt I couldn't find any other dress like this heh then yesterday I went to Forever 21's website and found thissssssss:

It's bodice was exactly what I was looking for so I wanted it real bad and wanted to wait a week so I could save up then order it and I was thinking like it takes a month to arrive it probably won't make it in time for the event.

However, Wulan and I went out today and checked out 313@Somerset's forever 21 and I found it!!! Am I lucky or what!

So yah I'm kinda overjoyed right now because it's not a formal dress so I can wear it casually, heheh! Shall save up for the shoes instead! :-)

$$$$$$

2011-10-13T22:37:00.003+08:00

I NEED 62 BUCKS, OH MY GOD.
I'm gonna refrain from spending these next few weeks so I can get a dress and a pair of shoes. It's a need, ok. Only the dress, actually heh. Ugh I hate food just buying food makes me feel like shit what more eating it.

Mamma Mia

2011-10-09T21:58:00.003+08:00

I'm in love with my camera. :B
I was bare-faced ok sorry for the grossness.

I can't wait for exams to be over I just want lesser things to be on my mind by then.
Hopefully.

My new camera

2011-10-08T01:55:00.004+08:00

Meet my new baby!!

Heheh I actually got it. :-) It's my favourite thing at the moment I love it so much, lol.

I named it Pansy.
Don't judge me, I name a lot of my things.

Okay so the guy at the store said that the first time charging the Li-ion battery must be for 8 hours well I've been charging it for 4 and 1/2 hours alr and it's already fully charged so I don't know whether I should stop charging it or not, I'm afraid it'll overcharge. :( I'll stop charging it in like 30 minutes time. Something I learnt about owning a compact camera is that when you charge it fully, you should use the camera till it runs out of battery fully THEN you can charge it again, not get all paranoid and charge it when it has about 30-50% battery left. Like charge it when it's literally about to die. Yup I'll do that.

Ok pointless post 2k11. Awesome.
Bye.

What's my race again?

2011-10-07T15:38:00.003+08:00

I don't know why, but I feel like I need to blog about this.

A few days ago, I was studying with Izzah at Fish&C0 Express. There was a group of guys sitting a table away and one of them happened to be Izzah's primary school friend. So like, Izzah and I were studying history and we took turns reading the passages. And I don't know why, but apparently the way I read doesn't really go with my face? Is that a good way to put it? To be more specific, I've had people say I tend to speak or read with an accent?

Anyway, the dudes asked if we could help them with Social Studies, which I found to be impolite since we had to study for the exams ourselves, there was only 2 of us and there were like, 5 or 6 of them? But we're nice so we helped them. And it so happened that they could speak malay with Izzah but spoke English with me. And they even asked Izzah what race I am. (She answered malay of course.) So one of the dudes asked me what my name was so I slammed my history file and told them to read it. (I was getting pissed.)

"Andrea." Seriously bro? My first name is Tuti and you choose to read the Andrea part only? I mean it's fine, it is still my name so like whatever. But what the fuck man don't treat me like an alien just because the way I speak is different. By different I mean better like no offence but their malay accents were too strong and I just didn't wanna talk to them anymore. So maybe it's not me who speaks differently, maybe it's them who speaks terribly. Know what I mean?

So basically what I'm trying to say is that my whole childhood I have never been your average malay girl. I started speaking proper malay when I was 7 years old. I started studying malay when I was 8. I used to have a british accent. Is that wrong? Like I'm sure I look malay enough to BE malay. Not that it's something to be proud of. (heh)

So yeah this is just a rant. I'm sick of people asking me about my race when it should be pretty fucking obvious that I'm malay. I look malay, I speak malay. It states on my IC, that I'm malay. Birth certificate? MALAY. Where did I get my malay blood from? My dad. And no, my mom is NOT malay. She has no malay blood at all. She has javanese, chinese and arab blood. K I dunno what she is but she is NOT malay. But I am. My race is Malay.

I am Tuti Andrea and I am ~~Malay~~ a human being.

Disco me to oblivion

2011-10-07T00:58:00.005+08:00

I think I'll pierce my nose instead of septum.
On second thought I'm really not sure. Hmm.
Nose piercing is kinda easier to take care of.
Septum's a little troublesome, it's gonna be hard to clear my nose.
And considering the fact I'm prone to the flu.
I'll think about it. After o levels I'll get either one and a helix piercing :)

This song brings back memories. It gives me that weird feeling in my chest.
+44 - Make You Smile

CPSA2200

2011-10-06T20:28:00.007+08:00

I'm getting a camera, yay!

Since I have a few upcoming events in November, like my trip to Cambodia, OBS, and prom - yes, I'm helping out again - I figured I should probably have my own digital camera. :-) If it isn't obvious enough on why I'm flipping out, it's gonna be my first camera! I'm not really the type of person who needs all the technological essentials, I can live without an iPod or a camera. But I figured that I should start owning my own camera and capture the special moments in my life and look back in the future and maybe realize that my life isn't as shitty as it seems.

Anyway, the camera craze that's been going on for a couple of years now If I'm not wrong, is the DSLR. I think it's an awesome camera and like the quality of the photos is amazing but I don't really need a camera like that. It also can't take videos and it's bulky! I want a camera that I can slip into my bag without it protruding through the sides. So yes, I want a compact digital camera.

I'm usually a really fussy person when it comes to choosing things so I always take time beforehand to decide on what I want. So, I went on the Sony and Canon websites and looked through their products. Firstly, since it's my mom who is paying for me, I should be reasonable and not pick the most expensive one (I'm nice ok). I went through the Sony cameras first and fell in love with one of their cameras. The main reason why? THEY HAD IT IN GREEN. Of course I had to find out whether it was worth it's price but I was like meh, it's like a basic digital camera. But it was green so... I thought and yup I wanted it.

BUT THEN,

I went to the Canon website and I know that Canon has like amazing cameras so I thought I should just check it out and look at the variety. And then I came across the Canon A2200. It seemed like it's features didn't match the price. I was mindfucked when I found out it had effects like fisheye and miniature. It was like the perfect camera for me! The only downside is probably the fact that they didn't have it in green. The colours available were red, black and blue so obviously I want the black.

FORGET THE SONY CYBERSHOT, I want the Canon PowerShot A2200!!

It's miniature effect that got me fucking excited:

So yeah, I'm fucking stoked to get this camera! Hopefully by this Saturday :-)

Hand in mine into your icy blues

2011-09-25T22:15:00.005+08:00

Dear Tuti Andrea, please stop being lazy. And get off the internet. Sincerely, don't screw up your
fucking education.

Hiatus, yes? Yes.

Confessions of a minor shopaholic

2011-09-25T17:54:00.004+08:00

Hehe some people ask me how I shop online since I don't own a credit card (duh I'm only 15). I discovered this website in late 2009 and it's like you order an item from e.g forever 21 in the format they give you and just transfer the money via atm/ibanking and voila they'll order the shit for you :-) Downside though is that since the items are from overseas they would arrive in like at most a month? Nyeheh but it's fucking worth it la. In my opinion though people should only shop online if they know what size they are. I know my measurements and sizes so like online shopping is fucking perfect for me, hehe. I think like 3/4 of my wardrobe is filled with stuff I bought online. Oh and the stuff are cheaper than when bought locally. Actually depends which brand heheh but F21 definitely cheaper.

I do go out and shop though. I shop at like F21 (if it isn't obvious enough), Dorothy Perkins, H&M, New Look (not really though). I don't shop at Topshop. Fucking overpriced shit. I only own like 1 item from Topshop and it's just a flannel. H&M's clothes are nice.. but it's like a much better version of New Look. When I go to New Look though I mostly only look at their shoes heheh. Speaking of shoes I like Gojane, UrbanOG, Steve Madden (pricey though). Gojane and UrbanOG has really nice and inexpensive shoes. Steve Madden's shoes are FUCKING nice but they're expensive la. Should only shop there when there are sales lol.

I'm not really a bag person. Most of the bags I bought are from flea markets.. and I use them not only to keep my stuff but also to accessorize. So yeaaaaaaah I'm not those girls who invest on a Louis Vuitton or Kate Spade. But heh if I had the money I'd totally splurge on an LV. Speaking of accessories, Forever 21 has amazing necklaces, errrrr I like Diva's accessories in general although they tend to be a little overpriced. Hmm I don't wear rings because my fingers are weird. The ring can go in but it'd be difficult for it to come out. I find bracelets kinda annoying. So if I actually wore them I'd only wear them on my left hand.. heheh weirdo.

If I were to describe my style... I really dunno. I wear what I find matches and I'm ready to go. Comfort is important to me too, which is probably why I wear flats/sneakers a lot.

This blog post has been totally pointless. But I have been shopping quite a lot these days so.. yup.

Losing myself

2011-09-23T22:20:00.003+08:00

So many things going on in my head right now. Very wrong timing really, I've got an exam this coming Monday. It's only English and Malay but still.. everything is just wrong right now. I need to make things right.

Skinny love

2011-09-23T19:16:00.004+08:00

I lie on a daily basis. Not the bad kinda lying. I lie for other people's gain, even if it means I get the disadvantages/

Anyway, I'm free tomorrow and I really wanna go out with the tall boy again since Wulan can't make it. And this whole week I only went to school for 2 days. I've never been so sick.

My lungs are about to explode

2011-09-21T21:40:00.002+08:00

I got my tetanus shot hehehe I'm such a big girl now.

I'm as sick as a dog and my medication is making me all loopy :(
Goodnight xoxo

(L)

2011-09-21T16:57:00.001+08:00

F21 accessories arrived in the mail today :-)

Out of frustration

2011-09-20T20:19:00.004+08:00

Do something for yourself, Tuti Andrea.
You deserve it.

Let's live like we don't give a fuck.

Let's disappear altogether

2011-09-18T11:02:00.003+08:00

I am a girl with a PS3 but nobody still wants me.
Haha kidding...... :/

Going out with a very tall boy today.
I'm surprised that I'm going out with a boy at all.

2:20AM

2011-09-12T02:19:00.003+08:00

I'm dreading school tomorrow so much. Probably gonna get so much scolding because I only did like 16% of my homework. Maybe even less. A lot less actually. I hope I survive tomorrow. Oh and I'll start tuition this week, I promise.

I feel like I need to be a better person. I better daughter, a better sister, a better Muslim, a better student, a better human being. I dunno, a better person in general. Other than being having a kind heart and shit like that I also need to overcome my awkwardness. I couldn't even bring myself to call McDelivery and ended up ordering online instead. Which was so awesome btw. Anyway every time Wulan and I go out to eat or anything, I'd just hand her my cash and she'd order for me. I don't know why I'm just not into human interaction. I prefer giving my attention to my cute little baby cousins. :') Sucks that I'm way older than them, really. What's weird is that when I was younger I used to play games like Hide and Seek or Blind Mice, but nowadays kids play with iPads or any other high tech shit. That's just from what I observe though. But I'm sure that when I have kids of my own hopefully they'll get to experience at least a little of what I did, but at the same time have about everything I didn't have in my life. Hehe.

Okay I sidetracked a lot in this post.

Goodnight, xox.

Hari Raya w/ friends

2011-09-08T19:27:00.003+08:00

I'll post more photos soon :-)

The one that got away

2011-09-07T03:13:00.003+08:00

I'd tell you that I miss you but you wouldn't care at all.

Chewing on gum as I type

2011-09-07T01:42:00.006+08:00

I don't even know why I took time to actually edit such an awkward photo of myself and post it. So there you go a rare photo of Tuti Andrea in which she is not looking at the camera and smiling. Just gonna point out that I only did that because I'm bored, can't sleep and also I barely touch my computer nowadays so this is a good opportunity to do my typical pointless posts that no one reads.

Hahaha that picture is so funny gosh I will probably look at that picture in a few years and think how retarded I was to actually take it. AND POST IT. K enough about that.

Anyway,

Somehow I think when I'm mad for no reason, there is actually a reason but I'm to afraid to admit it. You know how everyone tells me things will get better? Right now things are much better, but when they are, that's when I know something terrible is in store for me. In some way I want to be miserable so I can at least be optimistic about things rather than be happy but constantly thinking shit's gonna happen soon enough. To be honest really I don't care about 'happy'. I just want to be okay. And I am right now, Alhamdulillah :-)

Selamat Hari Raya

2011-08-31T20:08:00.002+08:00

:-)

Harlequin

2011-08-21T17:32:00.002+08:00

I'm probably the only one who doesn't give a fuck about baybeats? That's how boring I am. I dunno, maybe someone should bring me someday. Maybe I'll get into it.

Fall on your tongue like pixie dust

2011-08-18T21:42:00.001+08:00

The red ones make me fly, and the blue ones help me fall.

Hmm I really don't know what to post, it's been forever since I've had a proper entry, and maybe it's because nothing has been happening. I can't say things are getting better, they're not. I'm feeling a little optimistic though. I don't know if it's 'cause it's ramadhan, but insyallah things are going to be okay.

Think happy thoughts and we'll fly home~

For a pessimist,

2011-08-17T20:44:00.002+08:00

Hi I ordered a few things online hopefully I can get them before raya bye.

d13

2011-08-15T19:40:00.005+08:00

I don't wanna keep having to put up with this. With LIFE. I hate everything so much it's so frustrating to even exist, up to the extent I just don't wanna live anymore. I hate everything about my life. Everyone tells me things will get better but I believed them once but things only got worse. I kept telling myself I'm never going to be good enough and now I think I'm starting to believe it. Everything I do is wrong, every step I take is a mistake. I don't know where or who to fucking turn to. I hate myself so much this self-loathe is consuming me day by day. I'm not even living anymore, I'm just waiting for the day I die.

Kill me now

2011-08-15T19:28:00.001+08:00

Starving because my family hates me

but it's okay because I hate them too :-)

Lost

2011-07-28T23:54:00.002+08:00

I need someone who won't judge me.

Faith

2011-07-28T21:19:00.001+08:00

I'm starting to believe I'll never be good enough.

Decision

2011-07-27T23:21:00.003+08:00

So fucking tired of living like this.
I don't want to exist anymore. I hate this.
Nothing is worth living for.
I'm so fucking angry at everything.
Especially myself. I fucking hate myself.
I want to fucking kill myself.

Skyscraper

2011-07-22T23:06:00.002+08:00

I just want to isolate myself from the world.

The Kids FromYesterday

2011-07-22T17:48:00.004+08:00

Remember when I said I've moved on?
Heh I lied.

My horoscope for today:

"If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was. You have probably heard some variation of this quotation, gemini. But don't take it too seriously. You are considering letting something go. Or, more precisely, letting someone go. But this person does not want to be let go. He or she wants to be better understood, better cared for, better loved. This warm and fuzzy stuff is something you often find challenging, but it's about time you learned. If you let someone go, that person may not come back. Work on your nurturing skills instead."

I kinda hate him for being so hard to forget but I kinda don't.

Detsuahxe

2011-07-18T22:49:00.011+08:00

I am so tired. Just so tired of people, school, homework, everything. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally tired. Tired from feeling, tired from moving, tired from thinking. Of expecting, of being disappointed. I'm so tired of getting hurt, of being alone. Tired of holding back tears. From feeling hopeless and worthless. Tired of caring for people who don't care for me. Of not being good enough, and tired of trying so hard to be. So tired of living life, as unfair as it seems, I'm simply tired of existing.

Congratulations, I don't hate you

2011-07-18T18:50:00.002+08:00

No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it should be. So knowing that you are where you want to be, and I'm not, comes as no surprise. But don't expect me to be happy for you. And don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me too. I don't want your pity.
I hate your pity.

You smile and it makes me fly

2011-07-17T17:47:00.002+08:00

This blog needs more of my face so there you go.

L

2011-07-16T17:13:00.001+08:00

Aw.

Patd

2011-07-15T23:48:00.001+08:00

Build God, Then We'll Talk.

Nothing to post about :(

2011-07-15T19:15:00.010+08:00

My Chemical Romance
Panic At The Disco
Fall Out Boy
Arctic Monkeys
Escape The Fate
Alesana
One Night Only
The Academy Is...

All time favourite bands?

You're wrong

2011-07-15T16:49:00.003+08:00

Cary Brothers - Belong

What I'd give for that first night when you were mine
Tried with all that I have to keep you alive

I wasn't taught this way
With a thousand things to say
I was born with a broken heart
What I'd give for that first night when you were mine
Thought you were mine

You found me

2011-07-15T15:45:00.002+08:00

What's the next best thing if your only option is moving on?
Because I just can't.

One-way trip

2011-07-14T01:09:00.005+08:00

I told my mom that one day I will build a spaceship out of cardboard and styrofoam and fly off to mercury and live there. I also told her that she can visit me if she wants to. She just stared at me as I gazed into the dark starless sky.

Okay for now

2011-07-13T19:03:00.002+08:00

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Hurt

2011-07-11T22:16:00.002+08:00

Does anyone know that the number one thing that forever is in my mind is that I should have been the one with the cancer? Does anyone know that I didn’t get to tell him I love him? That I didn’t get to be by his side? That he was in a fucking coma for months? And my 8 year old self thought that daddy was gonna wake up soon, and I could give him that little “get well soon” card that I had made for him but never got to give him? That every day I woke up wishing daddy would get better? Does anyone know that everyone but me knew he wasn’t going to make it, 8 months before he died? Does anyone know that it’s still breaking my heart to know I don’t have a dad? Does anyone know that he meant the world to me? That I was daddy’s little girl? Does anyone know that I am so scared of growing up only because I’d be drifting further apart from the memories I had with him? Does anyone know that all that I do, it is for him? That if I am ever happy, it will be for him? Does anyone know that I am scared to live rather than to die? That it scares me that I have to live with a void in my heart for the rest of my life?

And there are some people out there who think my life is so fucking perfect? Does anyone understand the pain I feel that’s constantly digging into my chest knowing that half of me is gone?

Pointless

2011-07-11T21:41:00.004+08:00

Since it seems many people don't quite know shit about me,

Tuti Andrea is my real name.
My dad died of cancer.
I haven't gotten over it.
I don't like people touching me.
I'm really unhappy with my life.
I have dimples on both sides of my face, one is deeper than the other.
I'm suicidal but no one seems to take me seriously, haha.
I've never had a boyfriend.
I have long fingers.
I'm not a girly girl.
I'm not a tomboy either.
I love My Chemical Romance.
I don't like living in Singapore.
I hate math.
I can't open up to my own best friend.
My room walls are alternately green and pink.
I hate my bed.
I think I'm depressed but I'm probably overreacting.
I don't want to grow up.
The number 1 thing always in my mind is that I should have been the one with the cancer.

Stupid girl

2011-07-11T19:44:00.002+08:00

I really don't know, but I think I'm having a hangover.
God I appreciate whoever took care of me that night. I was a wreck lol.

A crave for perfection

2011-07-08T23:13:00.002+08:00

Not beautiful enough.

Hey

2011-07-08T22:11:00.003+08:00

It's heartbreaking to say, although in a good way,

that I have moved on.

:')

B

2011-07-08T00:20:00.002+08:00

WOW I JUST REALIZED HOW BORING MY BLOG IS.

Nothing really happens to me soooooooo boring blogger = boring blog.

But hey I might be attending a party this saturday so yay?

Risque

2011-07-07T20:11:00.004+08:00

I can't really explain my current obsession with piercings. I'm still down to piercing my septum, man. But I can only do it after o's which is next year :'(

This year hopefully I'll get a third one on my left lobe, a second one on my right and a helix piercing on my left ear. And then next year I'll get my septum and nose pierced.
Hehe ^^v

Hi

2011-07-07T13:27:00.002+08:00

Pierced.

I miss you I miss you I really wanna kiss you.

What would I give

2011-07-04T01:04:00.004+08:00

I've been singing Part of Your World for a week now.
And I can't wait to dye my hair dark burgundy-auburn red?
Then I'll grow a green fish tail and become a mermaid just like Ariel.

Hahahahaaaaaaa.

I've been playing Sims 3 for two days straight now. This isn't good at all but gosh it's so addicting now I know why the last time I played was last november.

Piercing a second hole on my left earlobe tomorrow. And maybe a helix. Maybe.

Disney Princess

2011-07-01T23:09:00.003+08:00

I want to be a disney princess :-(
Hahaha.

I love belle, cinderella and ariel.
I miss the old disney. Before I was even born.

Flooded with all this pain

2011-06-29T22:41:00.004+08:00

I kinda hate myself. If I could vomit up my whole life, I would.

I
Miss
Danial
So
Much
It
Hurts

:'/

Not fond of asking

2011-06-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

"I miss us"

Hoping like the loser I am that you're referring to me
because
I miss us
too.

Don't you forget about me

2011-06-28T00:35:00.002+08:00

Most suicidal individuals give warning signs or signals of their intentions. The best way to prevent suicide is to recognize these warning signs and know how to respond if you spot them.
Major warning signs for suicide include talking about killing or harming oneself, talking or writing a lot about death or dying, and seeking out things that could be used in a suicide attempt, such as weapons and drugs. These signals are even more dangerous if the person has a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar disorder, suffers from alcohol dependence, has previously attempted suicide, or has a family history of suicide.

Other warning signs that point to a suicidal mind frame include dramatic mood swings or sudden personality changes, such as going from outgoing to withdrawn or well-behaved to rebellious. A suicidal person may also:

lose interest in day-to-day activities,
neglect his or her appearance, and
show big changes in eating or sleeping habits.

A more subtle but equally dangerous warning sign of suicide is hopelessness. Studies have found that hopelessness is a strong predictor of suicide. People who feel hopeless may talk about “unbearable” feelings, predict a bleak future, and state that they have nothing to look forward to.

Other Warning Signs

Talking about suicide. Any talk about suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I wish I hadn’t been born,” “If I see you again…,” and “I’d be better off dead.”
Seeking out lethal means. Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.
Preoccupation with death. Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.
No hope for the future. Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.
Self-loathing, self-hatred. Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).
Getting affairs in order. Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.
Saying goodbye. Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family and friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.
Withdrawing from others. Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.
Self-destructive behavior. Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Taking unnecessary risks as if they have a “death wish”.
Sudden sense of calm. A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide.

Forever in doubt

2011-06-28T00:30:00.005+08:00

I don't know how many times I'm going to say this but I'm so sick of pretending everything is okay. I want someone to physically be there when I cry. No need for consolation, don't say anything at all, but just to hold me. But then again I prefer to be alone. Because I've learnt what my vulnerability can lead up to.

I feel hopeless.

Someone like you

2011-06-27T00:37:00.003+08:00

I have learnt that to love someone and to be in love with someone are two different things.
Love is.. whatever.
I just want to be happy.

R

2011-06-18T01:17:00.005+08:00

Went to swensens with my family for my birthday and wow I wasn't looking forward to it at first but oh my god the most handsome dude ever was a waiter there and I just seriously couldn't eat in peace like he was just so gorgeous. Worst thing though was that my mom was embarrassing me like it was my birthday so he had to check my ezlink and that was just ugh. But god he is the most good-looking guy I have ever seen. Oh my god I can't take it he's gorgeous.''

But you know it sucks because he's just so wow and I am just.. never-good-enough me.

T Momsen

2011-06-14T05:03:00.002+08:00

Should I cut my hair? Hmmm.

Division

2011-06-13T05:30:00.002+08:00

Why is my life just so boring. And depressing.

On the other hand hehehehehehe he makes me happy :-)

Fronk Oreo

2011-06-10T02:59:00.007+08:00

I wish I was that fucking guitar man ugh. Can't believe this man is fucking married with 2 kids.

If a guy plays the guitar/has the personality/looks like Frank Iero, I swear I'd let him fuck me any day.

Suck it up, princess

2011-06-10T01:35:00.003+08:00

I'm so sick of facebook. I don't like to see girls commenting on other girls' profiles saying:

"OMG you're so gorgeous! <3"

And then they'd reply:

"Aww thanks babe but you're the gorgeous one (:"

But like you know, girls will be girls.
*virtual puke*

Revenge

2011-06-09T02:39:00.004+08:00

HI :-)

LeATHERMOUTH - 5th Period Massacre
I motherfucking love this song.

Anyway,
Barfday wishlist:

Second lobe piercing
Helix piercing

Er that's about it besides dinner with family.

Astig

2011-06-08T04:25:00.003+08:00

I don't know why but I suddenly recalled that I have mild astigmatism.
Means my eyesight will either get worse or stay at it's current degree for the rest of my life.
It's scarier than it sounds.
People with astigmatism can't wear contacts because the shape of their eyeball is a little different. No wonder when I wore contacts for 1 day last year it felt super uncomfortable so I never wore them again.
My dad had astigmatism. Probably where I got it from.
Such a shame I can't wear contacts though, I look disgusting in my spectacles.

xxzxcuzx me

2011-06-07T02:43:00.005+08:00

What the fuck am I doing with my life.
I'm a mess.

My talent, or something I'm actually good at is being alone. It's probably what I'm born to be - a loner. It isn't actually easy being a loner, it's difficult having to push the people you love away.

Inexistent love life

2011-06-06T05:01:00.004+08:00

I feel like I'm never gonna get a boyfriend. Due to my lack of allure and major social awkwardness. Like who would fall in love with me for who I am. Even I wouldn't fall in love with me. But yeah I have rejected boys before but not because I felt they weren't good enough for me but because the way they expressed their feelings.. was kinda cowardly I guess? Through MSN, text messaging, facebook etc. How is that even romantic to start with? Isn't it embarrassing to have to tell everyone that you confessed your feelings virtually? Then you start to think, were the feelings even real if they weren't expressed in reality? Like how can you fall for a person if you've never actually got to know them let alone met them in real life?

Maybe I expect too much. But is it really too much to ask for a guy who is brave enough to tell you he likes you while he looks into your eyes? Wouldn't you want the girl of your dreams to remember the day you confessed your feelings to her? Wouldn't you want her to think back and still get the butterflies in her stomach?

Barfday

2011-06-04T23:59:00.005+08:00

I kind of hate birthdays. It's sort of nice to celebrate others' birthdays but not my own. I dunno, I just don't see the point in celebrating one's date of birth. It's pointless. I mean like no one really turns 10 or 13 or 18 or 21. We just get older and older. Until we die. Birthdays are a stupid excuse to categorize people. It's useless to even elaborate. But birthdays aren't always happy occasions, they sometimes ruin people.

12 days till I turn 15. Yay -.-

Thoughts read unspoken

2011-06-02T01:20:00.003+08:00

Danial Suhaimi,
I miss and care about you, I wish you'd feel the same way. If I could I'd take back what I did because it was stupid and you mean so much to me and it sucks to realize it now. I keep thinking about where we would be now if I had not let you go. I miss you.
And if it isn't clear enough, yes I still have feelings for you and if you'd give me another chance I'd take it in a heartbeat.
xoxoxoxoxox

If I had the guts

2011-06-01T18:35:00.003+08:00

I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you miss me.

100th post :-)

2011-06-01T04:05:00.005+08:00

Happy 1st June

Happy 100th post
Happy Birthday Kris' Danianty
:-)

Lol
(click to enlarge)

Here's to June.
♥

Where is my mind?

2011-06-01T02:52:00.006+08:00

I'm having a total breakdown.

I've got this major bad habit of pushing other people away.
Most of the time I have reasons for doing so. At times I regret it.
But you know what I am so sick and tired of being taken advantage of.
I've never had a fucking boyfriend but I've made out with 2 guys out of vulnerability. How can I not have a positive perspective of the male species after what I've experienced.

So how could I have been so damn stupid to push away the person who's good for me and let in the guy who took advantage of me? I'm not perfect.

There is obviously a tiny chance or no chance at all that I will ever end up with him again. By him I am referring to the only guy whom from the day I met him to the day I left him, had never took advantage of me even a single bit heck the furthest we had even gotten with each other was just an innocent hug. Not a kiss at all, not even on the cheek. And then I just let him slip through my fingers, so easily.

It is my fault, I'll admit that. Which is why I probably deserved what I've been through although I let him go for reasons I thought would make things better, ending up actually making things worse. For me, at least.

When will I actually meet someone who is actually willing enough to stay in my life, for once. Not only stay but want to stay.

/edit

It's probably stupid to say this but every night knowing he's awake I always wish he'd just call me and tell me he misses me, and that he would like to catch up with me. Then we'd talk for hours on end. About nothing else, nobody else, but us. Just a call would make my night so much better. Just to hear his voice. I miss him so much.

"Cheer up babe."

Don't second guess your feelings

2011-05-31T00:26:00.006+08:00

Hi
It's 12:30AM, I'm bored and awake.
And hungry.
:(

/edit

I can't wait for Angel to return from Philippines so we can go to the gym. 8)
Haha.

/edit

I wish I could talk for hours on the phone with you but haha who I am for you to do that with.
* S I G H *

/edit

I can honestly say you've been on my mind
since I woke up today, up today
I look at your photograph all the time
These memories come back to life
And I don't mind

/edit

Trying to make things work
They weren't good enough
Til I thought I'm through
Said I'm done

/edit

I miss you.

Sepppptummmm

2011-05-30T22:42:00.003+08:00

Hi I really want a septum piercing.
Nothing's really getting in the way BUT my mom haha.
I don't mind getting in and hiding it from her but I don't think I can go through feeling guilty lol and I don't wanna risk having her find out so I might as well wait, sigh. I wanna get a helix and second lobe piercing too. I dunno when though. Mom doesn't approve but it isn't on my face so I reckon she'd get over it. :p

Am I not pretty enough?

2011-05-28T17:40:00.003+08:00

I saw him working today. I didn’t expect to see him. I’m not sure if he saw me, but he looks great. Handsome as always. I miss him so much.

Why do you see right through me?

I remember the first time he smiled at me. I was walking on the first floor next to the central staircase and there he was walking down. I glanced at him and found him smiling at me. I smiled back of course. I'd do anything to relive that moment, because it was what started us.

Sorry

2011-05-24T20:50:00.001+08:00

As selfish as it sounds, I want to be with you again. To think of what we couldve been if we could have just compromised. I'm too scared to say anything, I don't want to get hurt although you're a definitely a risk worth taking. If only you knew.